Photo by Kaitlin Oki /Nevada Sagebrush
I’m back, bitches! Yes, that’s right: You can’t get rid of me so easily.
This past weekend, I did a shoot downtown for a local designer. With breasts like mine — that can be easily pushed flat or covered with my hands — I didn’t have much difficulty maintaining some shred of modesty as I changed in public. Standing on the street corner in nothing but my adorable little black lace La Perla bra and some cheetah print panties, I learned two things: Water and lemons are the elixir of beauty, and I am so glad that I have small boobs.
When I was in high school, I felt quite differently. I grew up in a town where many of the girls my age were not so thin. I was an awkward, knobby-kneed girl with curly hair and no sign of chest swellage until I was about 17. At that age, I still didn’t really have boobs; I just had a wonderful mother who bought me a bra to give the illusion that maybe — just maybe — something was lurking underneath my shirt.
Now that I’m 22, I have boobs, but not a whole lot. I’ve always had trouble finding bras, because A cups are too small to cover what needs to be covered and most B cups don’t come in my professionally-measured band size, 30. My size makes it hard for me to find lingerie, swimsuits and has rendered breast-sex nearly impossible, although I had a boyfriend that tried like hell to make it work. Because of my size, I always wonder if a guy is going to stick around, and if so, for how long, because the media has drilled the idea of bountiful breasts into my mental requirements for being good looking.
So, what about in the dating game? Do breasts really draw the line between single and taken?
After asking 85 men and 27 women, I have discovered that the answer truly is “no.” When asking this question, the topic always turns to one thing: pushup bras. If Victoria’s Secret has taught us anything with its bikini line, pushup bras are something that we, as a culture, really like to buy!
In our world, there are many different types of breasts and many different types of bras and many different types of people. Some people like small boobs, some people like big boobs and some people only care about the nipples. There are some girls who wear pushup bras and some who don’t, and that is OK because most guys are not going to say “whoa whoa whoa… You looked a bit bigger when I asked you out, but now that the bra is off, just kidding let’s be friends.” It has always been this way, but when the pushup bra first came out in the 40s, it took the lingerie world by storm. Don’t believe me? Ask three of your girlfriends if they have ever owned one. Chances are, they’ll look at you like you’re dumb and say, “Of course”.
Many of you are now wondering, “Why would you wear a pushup bra if you were really happy with your shape and if your significant other(s) don’t care how big your tits are?” Let’s get something straight: Pushup bras are a wonderful way to make us feel sexy and look good in certain shirts. Pushup bras are not women’s way of trying to con people into thinking we have boobs when we don’t, or into tricking a boob-guy into going for a girl who clearly doesn’t have the assets. Pushup bras are not worn for men or other women; they’re worn for us.
In the end, a girl is hottest when she’s the healthiest, happiest version of herself, and as long as we tie our self-worth to our breast size, we will continue to be sad pandas strolling around the jungle of life. No one will ever have the perfect tit-to-waistline-to-ass ratio without a little struggle. And in the end, no one cares because they’re just happy they get to see you naked.
Anneliese Hucal studies public relations and pre-law. She can be reached at email@example.com.