By Anneliese Hucal

While I don’t have sex without a condom and my trusty NuvaRing, I don’t like using rubbers for oral sex, because really who likes the taste of latex? I also love cum! Baby juice, as I so fondly call it, is really remarkable, and very dangerous if not handled correctly. It can stain clothing, clump up hair (Think Cameron Diaz in “There’s Something About Mary…”) and make babies, but at the same time it deserves respect. Next time you’re blindly groping around for a towel or pair of boxers to soak up the love juice that’s all over your stomach or mouth after a long session of boot-knocking, revel in the glory that is jizz, and think about how cool it is, and give your man a high-five for being so awesome.

For those of you who have never truly reveled in the joys of jizz, there are a few things you must know:

  1. Semen contains citric acid, free amino acids, fructose, enzymes, phosphorylcholine, prostaglandin, potassium and zinc. You don’t have to drop $70 at Sephora to get that sexy model glow. The secret to great skin lies within your boyfriend’s balls.
  2. Semen can travel a surprisingly long distance when shot from a particularly aggressive penis. Don’t believe me? Take a black light to a frat house. I do it all the time and it’s like Jackson Pollock on acid.
  3. The average man produces about a tablespoon of semen, which has about 5-7 calories, so you can’t use a bikini and your diet as an excuse not to swallow.
  4. If you don’t like swallowing, however, you can use taste as an excuse. Many don’t like the salty-sweet flavor. Men can also combat this argument by eating fruit instead of Taco Bell.
  5. A recent study suggests that frequent ejaculation may prevent men from developing prostate cancer, and although there isn’t much evidence to support it, the tests continue!
  6. The average ejaculate can contain between 40 million to 600 million little sperm! So whenever you’re feeling really down about yourself, remember that the single sperm that made you beat all of those other potential humans to the egg, so you’re a winner!
  7. A recent study from China shows that semen retention (the practice of not cumming) increases testosterone levels by 45.7 percent after seven days, so don’t let your bros tell you that you aren’t a man if you aren’t getting laid. In fact, you might be more manly than they are!
  8. Producing an ounce of semen is considered to be equivalent to the body producing 60 ounces of blood, which explains the drain of energy felt by many men after spanking the monkey. In non-western medical traditions, such as Ayurveda, Chinese or Tibetan medicine, it is widely known that retention of semen is a source of strength. This is a good reason for athletes to avoid sex and jacking off before big competitions.
  9. Semen should always be white, off white, or slightly grayish. If it’s green or dark yellow, you should see a doctor. #sorrynotsorry

Anneliese Hucal studies public relations and pre-law. She can be reached at sself@sagebrush.unr.edu.