As winter months approach, Trump’s bronzers prepare for busiest season of year

President Trump’s aides, assigned specifically to bronzing him daily, told Fake News in an exclusive interview that they are preparing for their busiest time of the year as the winter months rapidly approach. They’ve even hired help from the best bronzers in the world from places like Greece and Australia to help with the effort.

“November through February are pretty hectic months around here,” said Genene Hendrickson, who is in charge of applying a shade of medium “Bondi Bronze” to the President’s neck skin. “Since the Commander in Chief can’t get even a little natural tan in the winter, we have to work double time.”

Aides said that Trump can usually get a little color from playing golf so often when the weather is nice, but considering he has to remain indoors during most of the winter, double the application is required twice as often. They said he also gets extra pale in the colder months because his diet shifts to strictly beef casserole, cheese curds and white russians.

“He is a very bronze man, I’ve never met a man who wants to be so bronze and he’s told me that when its comes to bronze men, he wants to be the bronzest,” said Alexandros Demopoulos, who was brought into the Bronze Wing of the White House from Greece because of his experience bronzing ancient statues.

Demopoulos said he’s learned Trump’s favorite shades are “Ipanema Sun” and “Maui Nights” during the summer, but he hopes to try out warmer colors in the winter like “Chocolate Soleil” and “Desert Nights.”


Aaron Rodgers reunites with family after shattering chip on shoulder

Green Bay Packers quarterback Aaron Rodgers has gotten back in touch with his parents after several years of ignoring them completely. This comes after the chip on his shoulder was injured in the Minnesota Vikings game on Sunday.

“I figured, what the heck, might as well give them a call,” Rodgers said. “They’re actually pretty nice people.”

He opened all of the Christmas presents he sent back over the years. One was a blender. Another was an Olive Garden giftcard.

However, he seems to have no interest in reaching out to his brother Jordan Rodgers, winner of The Bachelorette in 2016.

“I don’t know, he just kind of seems like a douche,” Aaron told sources.

“He’ll be out for at least eight weeks of quality family time before he gets annoyed and completely abandons them again,” Fox’s Jay Glazer reports.

Packers backup quarterback Brett Hundley has already started neglecting phone calls from his family. Rodgers was last seen walking the dog, affably losing Monopoly on board game night and chitchatting during the block party.


Local Twitter user feels accomplished after finally getting a retweet from a black man

A local user of the social media website Twitter, Darren Daniels (@deadpoetsocietyfan), has been trying for months to get some traction on his #BlackLivesMatter and #TakeTheKnee tweets and retweets. He felt very accomplished this saturday after he was finally retweeted by an African American Twitter user (@whitepeoplearecrazy), who Daniels had been attempting to interact with previously.

“It’s a really exciting time for me,” said Daniels. “What an honor to be accepted by this diverse community during such a divisive time.”

At press time, Daniels’ Twitter account was temporarily banned after he felt entitled to use a racial slur in a tweet.

Photo via
Local user Darren Daniels happily tweets from his favorite collaborative workspace in Midtown during the Charlottesville rallies in August of this year.

Editor’s Note

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