International

Breaking: New study finds fast food workers don’t actually care how your day is going

A new study from Johns Hopkins shocked the world when researchers discovered those who work at fast food restaurants do not genuinely care when they ask how your day is going.

The breakthrough came when Toronto’s Henry Rilling was asked how he was doing by an Arby’s drive-thru attendant.

“I was touched that they took an interest,” Rilling said. “I began talking about how my dad went into remission with Leukemia.”

As Rilling vented about his sister starting to drink again, tragedy struck. The drive-thru attendant interrupted him and said “Order whenever you’re ready.” The Arby’s employee has since been detained.

At press time, activists implored psychiatrists to return to school in order to learn how to become fast food workers.

National

Daniel Day-Lewis charged with hit-and-run, claims he was in character

Early Sunday morning, three-time Oscar winner Daniel Day-Lewis drove drunk and crashed into a lamp post in the San Fernando Valley. When he was arrested, he claimed that he was in character for a film.

Day-Lewis, infamous for his extreme method acting techniques, asserts he has been developing character Rupert Humperdinck, a 19th century locksmith in an upcoming Paul Thomas Anderson film “Pocketful of Posey.” Humperdinck, Day-Lewis claims, is a “dude who would totally do something like that.”

“Imprison Rupert if you must,” Day-Lewis said. “But let Daniel walk free.” He has since started selling #freedaniel T-shirts.

Fake News reporter Kenneth Lowe reached out to Paul Thomas Anderson to verify the story.

“First of all, I don’t know how Daniel got out of his cage,” Anderson said. “Second of all, the only upcoming role I’ve asked him to play is my mom who I want to have sex with.”

“What?” Lowe said.

“What?” Anderson said.

Local

UNR Residential Life to install tide pod vending machines in dorms

Residential Life, Housing and Food Services at the University of Nevada, Reno, announced this week that they will be installing Tide Pod vending machines in the dorms to meet the growing demand for the refreshing snack among freshman.

“This was a brave move by the administration to understand the needs of their student body and take action to fulfill them,” said Beverley Newlans, a freshman community health science major and head of the Student Committee for Healthy Detergent Consumption. “This is what our student fees are for.”

Residential Life said in a statement, written for concerned parents, that the installation of the vending machines was less about promoting Tide Pod consumption among freshman and more about monitoring Tide Pod consumption and making sure young students are eating the soapy plastic poppers responsibly.

After conducting a survey of students’ favorite flavors, Residential Life decided the vending machines will include Uva Berry Four Loko (non-alcoholic), La Croix, Hot Fry and Spring Mountain Rush. The Downunder Cafe Store will also begin selling Tide Pod filters that are compatible with Hydro Flasks.

Chuck Doyle, a campus maintenance worker who was tasked with installing the machines and who recently decided not to have children, said, “It’s like, kids are gonna have sex anyway right? Might as well give them condoms. Well this is not like that. This is sick.”

Campus police was also on board with the vending machines, hoping to curb the recent increase in theft at local laundromats.