Via Marvel Studios

0/5 Stars

“Thor: Ragnarok” is another movie that uses Led Zeppelin’s “Immigrant Song.” It’s not worth seeing. If you need convincing, read on. I don’t think there are any spoilers because if you’ve seen any other movie, this one won’t surprise you.

This movie from the Marvel cinematic universe is full of stuff. It’s jam-packed with plots, subplots, narratives, primary characters, secondary characters and other stuff. It’s an “overcoming the monster” story, a “voyage and return” narrative, a rebirth and a comedy all in one. The only thing missing is anything interesting.

The plot breaks down like this: there are roughly five heroes and three bad guys. One of the bad guys only shows up at the beginning and the end and one hangs out in the middle — both of these minor bad guys exist for convenience. The main bad guy is actually a bad woman, and she wants to take over all the realms for reasons that must’ve been cut out of the script. Speaking of cutting, Thor got his haircut in this movie, and I cut my wrists while watching it.

Anyway, the hero struggles with very basic identity issues, he loses his hammer, he gets sidetracked on a planet of garbage (an apt metaphor for the Marvel cinematic universe, if you ask me) but at the end realizes the strength is really within him and doesn’t really need the hammer.

The drama in this movie is juvenile, to the point where the Hulk and Thor are arguing like actual children and throwing things at each other like actual children. After the two heroes spend a few minutes grunting and throwing things at each other, the scene goes something like this:

Thor: “Help me save my planet in the main plot, Hulk.”

Hulk: “No, I don’t feel good because I have emotional issues, and I’m mad!”

Thor: “But, don’t you remember Scarlett Johansson? Look at this brief, contractually obligated, snippet of her.”

Bruce Banner: “Yes, I remember we had a minor romantic subplot in one of the other movies. I feel better, and I will help you now.”

It’s gross, and I would rather watch real-life children fighting on the Internet.

But seriously, the Hulk/Bruce Banner, played by Mark Ruffalo, is good in this movie. I think he’s the best of the current Marvel characters because he represents what each of these movies really is about, but he’s not disguised as intriguing or complicated. He’s a big, dumb, green, expensive-looking monster that destroys fair and decent things that people care about.

“Thor: Ragnarok” is watered down comic book nonsense, it’s cheesy and I want my $7.50 back (we saw the matinee screening).

Is it my fault for spending my money on this? Yes. I knew I was going to dislike it, but I went anyway. I went into the movie expecting to give it a 0/5 review. But, I went because I wanted a chance to speak my mind on these awful Marvel movies. This just happened to be one of the worst I’ve seen.

The problem with these movies is an economic one just like anything else. When Heinz owns the ketchup market, that’s the only ketchup you’re going to eat. Heinz ketchup claims to have 57 flavors. But, do you even know what ketchup is supposed to taste like? Yeah, it tastes like Heinz ketchup. Heinz isn’t made from 57 flavors, it’s made from one flavor: bullshit. So is Disney.

Disney owns Marvel and Marvel owns the blockbuster movie market. You aren’t going to get anything better than what they put out because nobody else can compete financially. Warner Bros might have the money, but apparently not the talent. Their superhero movies are as unwatchable as Alex Jones’ product endorsements.

“Thor: Ragnarok” is going to make a billion dollars because people like to distract themselves from their lives by going to the movies and seeing something easy to watch. I don’t blame anyone for making that decision. I blame Disney for owning the market and owning the brains and eyeballs of millions of people for two hours and choosing to make garbage because they can. People are paying for these sorry superhero movies because there’s nothing else!

Every Marvel movie is supposed to be a superhero movie. Yes, superhero movies are cheesy, yes they are poorly written, yes they are silly, but deep down they are supposed to make us feel something. They’re supposed to make us want to help people or save the world or just have some self-confidence if we think we’re weird. Because our weirdness might be a superpower!

This movie and all of the Marvel movies don’t do anything like that. They have no substance, no character and everything in the movie feels like it’s there for some strategic purpose. There’s nothing in this movie that comments on the what it means to be human or enriches the spirit in any way. It’s fake and ingenuine.

“Thor: Ragnarok” sucks, and I hate it, and I hate Marvel, and I hate movies now, and I wish I never had to write this review.