Photo illustration by Kaitlin Oki/Nevada Sagebrush with photo courtesy of University Archives, University of Nevada, Reno
Columnist Chris Boline considers the various conspiracy theories of what Getchell Library was used for while it was closed. Some say President Marc Johnson would host live-action games of Clue with faculty and administration.

A picture is worth a thousand words, but how much is a building that contained millions of photographs worth? Getchell Library was once a towering achievement of late 1950s architecture, but has now become a giant hole in the ground to University of Nevada, Reno students.

The building was one of the most unique structures on campus with its iconic awnings and ominous black rear windows. It was also the central hub of campus for over half a century and served as a meeting place for countless Nevada students over the years. However, the university’s explanations that the building was becoming too archaic and that the asbestos that was riddling the structure made it unsalvageable are all fine and dandy, but we can safely say that this is pure poppycock. Here are some of the various “theories” behind what really went on behind the glass façade.

BUILDING STUDENT BODY AUTOMATONS

Inspired by the rousing successes of “Pacific Rim” and Japanese anime, but also the crippling failures of our football and basketball teams, the university decided to take matters into its own hands. By designing robots based on our most successful athletes, Nevada looked to build a legacy of excellence inside of the Mountain West Conference and beyond. Utilizing models such as basketball player Deonte Burton and football player Brock Hekking, Nevada was on the fast-track to success.

However, the project became unwieldy after one of its first models, Brian Kehoe (get it), sought revenge against his masters by damaging their reputations through social media. All this just because he had not won the coveted title of Mr. GQ last spring. With Kehoe not behind them, the scientists knew they would never become the cool kids in school like they always dreamed, and in a fit of rage, they shut the lab down for good.

However, there are some rumors of a leaked blueprint that reveals a mech so colossal it would crush UNLV’s Sam Boyd Stadium in one swoop of its gigantic tail. Reports suggest this is an enormous Luna. If true, our cuddly mascot could strike fear into the hearts of every Rebel fan down south (and possibly every human being on the planet).

THE MOST INTENSIVE GAME OF CLUE EVER

Ever wonder what your professors and higher administration do at night? Well look no further, as Getchell served as a perfect training ground for the faculty to engage in full-scale “Clue.” While this might seem a little far-fetched, don’t you just want to imagine President Marc Johnson acting as though he had just murdered head football coach Brian Polian with the candlestick in the kitchen?

Maybe the thought of the English and business departments going at it through this high-stakes game of mystery to compete for funding is more feasible. Regardless, now that the library is no more, there are reports that the administration has moved on to more low-key games such as “Spy Alley,” “Monopoly” and winner-take-all “Twister,” after which the winner gains the keys to the secret underground lair of John Mackay for a week.

GODZILLA REBIRTH 

Do you think it’s a coincidence that there is a new Godzilla film the same year that Getchell was demolished? I think not. The library being shut down for an extended period only gave scientists from around the university the chance to experiment with radiation on an iguana from the biology department. Don’t believe me? The signs are all around you: Every time the seismology department sent off an earthquake tremor signaled the first steps for the young creature that had to be kept in a tube in order to develop to his full capacity.

Also, you thought those sounds you heard at night while walking in front of Getchell could have been just some homeless people inside of the building, but they were actually the terrified screams of these drifters being fed to the monster. Even that cute coffee stand that was in front of the library before it was demolished only served as a front to channel funds to the G-program.

Of course, the obvious question would be how one could sneak a gigantic monster out of the building without anyone noticing? I only have one answer to you: Santa Crawl 2013.

Chris Boline studies managerial sciences and economics. He can be reached at cboline@sagebrush.unr.edu.