International
Kim Jong-Un’s girlfriend reassures dictator that missile dysfunction “happens to everyone”
North Korean leader Kim Jong-Un has reportedly been receiving encouragement from his girlfriend regarding his missile dysfunction as of late.
“It’s a fact of life,” Kim’s girlfriend told him after his most recent failed attempt at a fully functioning missile launch. “Aging missiles lose thrust capacity and longevity over time, and sometimes you just can’t get them up like you used to.”
Kim’s girlfriend reminded him that he’s still a young man with many missile launches ahead of him, considering government documents show he’s been a youthful 18-year-old for the past 15 years, and anyway, missile dysfunction doesn’t define your manhood.
Experts say missile dysfunction can be passed down from leader to leader, it can be a result of lack of confidence in missile size and capabilities or it can stem from excess plumpness and clogging surrounding the launch pad.
At press time, Kim was reportedly consulting experts and deciding which treatment is best for his unique condition.
National
Gone too soon: nation mourns the death of the old Taylor Swift
She burst onto the scene in an instant, reached worldwide acclaim and adoration and then seemed to disappear just as suddenly, far too soon.
The old Taylor Swift (born Oct. 24, 2006 with the release of her self-titled album entitled Taylor Swift), whose life was filled with dating controversies, slut-shaming, celebrity feuds, stylish lawsuit victories, platinum records and a constant public struggle between her image as “America’s Sweetheart” – a down-to-earth country girl with her feet planted firmly to the ground, her heart belonging to adoring young fans, recognized in every Hollister around the globe – and her image as “America’s bad girl” – who had no problem shaking off issues with Joe Jonas, Taylor Lautner, Jake Gyllenhaal, John Mayer, Harry Styles, various music critics and Kanye West’s mom, has died tragically and controversially in a music video at just 10 years old.
Witnesses at the grave of the old Taylor Swift reported that, shockingly, the old Taylor Swift was resurrected as a flesh-eating zombie.
Local
Reno Riverwalk District Announces “Vape Stroll.”
Following the success of the Reno Wine Walk and Beer Crawl, the Riverwalk District will be hosting a “vape stroll.” Vaping, of course, refers to the use of electronic cigarette devices.
“It’s nice to see representation for our group,” said self-proclaimed ‘vape-lord’ Derek Schweizer. “By the way, did you know that it’s better for you than smoking cigarettes?” Sanders uses 24mg nicotine e-liquid.
Patrons can go to various bars downtown and sample various vape flavors. Sierra Tap House has their feature “Boysengasm.” Ole Bridge Pub created “Cherry Apocalypse” especially for this event. The Stick has their signature “Menthol Gonorrhea.” The Rack will showcase their new “Alan Alda” flavor.
Prizes will be given out for whoever can blow the biggest cloud, illest French inhale, dankest dragon and the chillest O’s.
TMCC is now offering classes in vape tasting in order to refine students’ vape palettes.
The vape stroll will be held every 69th day of the year.
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