by Anneliese Hucal

Soft pouting lips slowly sucking. Gentle licking. Hands slippery, sliding. Fingers roaming, exploring the goosebumps on smooth hot skin. Sharp moans and soft sighs.

Oral sex is a dangerous game, played with the sheer goal of driving someone absolutely wild.

Mom always told me to watch my P’s and Q’s. I was a pretty smart kid, so I soon understood that these rules applied to a hell of a lot more than the mean things I said to strangers in the grocery store. Usually my charming sweetness is what gets me laid!

But what about using manners during sex? I mean, you catch more flies with honey than vinegar, right? Since there was never a class or family discussion on how to eat dick or properly munch rug, here are a few codes of conduct we all must follow.

Pinkies up darlings, this is a lesson in oral sex etiquette!

The first rule of fellatio is to realize that there must be some sort of exchange between both people (or all three?) to get the party started. As with any party there is some sort of extra information passed along to guests, such as dress code or if there will be alcohol or drugs provided. Whenever you are invited to the salad tossing extravaganza, check to see if herpes will also be attending the festivities. Knowing this guest list will allow you to decide if it’s worth going and if appropriate attire must be worn. Appropriate attire includes condoms, dental dams, and even a nicely groomed face: to understand stubble, imagine sandpaper on bare ass.

Also remember the occasional rager where it sounds fun, until you get there and see the place is a wreck. If that happens, do not feel guilt about either A) offering to help clean up, or B) running like all hell. If you’re the host, wash yourself.

The head push, the clamping on legs around face during a dirty wrestling match, and the pigtail yank are never appropriate methods of getting someone to stick their face all up in your junk. When boys do this, it makes girls angry. When girls do this, guys get scared that their ladies may indeed have a vagina dentata with a hunger for meat, and trust me, no one is prepared to deal with that shit. Instead try to slowly grind your body in such a way that orients your nether-regions into their range of attention. Another method is saying “I really love when you….” or “Thinking of your mouth on my ___ makes me so hot.”

Once you get face to face with the throbbing sex area (vaginas can throb, too), you may be asking yourself, “How on earth am I going to fit that in my mouth?” or “I don’t have any idea what the hell to do with this”. The most important part of this magic dance is to provide adequate moisture. There is no shame in licking or lubing, but I have a serious problem with the porn star style spit launch. If you spit rocket my lady bits, I will punch you in the dick so hard that any future spawn will develop a genital left tilt, if you know what I mean.

During the furburger feast, one might find a moment of nausea has overcome them. Whether this be due to lack of air, overabundance of vodka Red-Bulls, or severe throat pounding, it is never ever OK to puke. If you think you might puke, pull away immediately. Puking is for bitches and freshmen…do not be that person that can’t handle their shit. You will never get invited back to the party…ever…especially if I find out about it!

When it comes down to climactic fluids, women are blessed enough to be able to not have the same sticky residue to leave behind, but men must search for a place to deposit all that pearl jam before they scamper away. When a mouth is involved, the seemingly obvious receptacle may not be the favorable choice of both parties. Naturally, this means that one must find other places to drop the love bomb.

The best solution to this is a simple inquiry at the beginning of oral: “Where shall I release my baby juice?” This goes for you too ladies! If you’re a squirter and have the potential to flash flood, warn them that there may, in fact, be a chance that you will explosively ejaculate. From previous experience, I can confirm that some guys will think you have just peed and unless you can speak eloquently post orgasm (I sure can’t), than you can count on some severe awkwardness.

The final rule one must remember about oral sex is that one must know when to leave the party. Do not expect it to turn into a relationship or a crazy bone fest, unless that was decided beforehand or after by your body. Sometimes, head is just head.

With these few rules of genital feasting etiquette, you will be well on your way to something warm, salty, and strangely satisfying.

Anneliese Hucal studies public relations and prelaw. She can be reached at opinion@