by Anneliese Hucal

I have diminished my value as a human and as a woman by being such an unapologetic slut. I have spent almost two years swimming in the big wet pool of sexual innuendo and general obnoxiousness as the sex columnist. As legitimately helpful as I thought I was being with my work for The Huffington Post, VOX, This is Reno, Cosmo, ACCEPT, Sexual Futurists, Thought Catalog and Girl Scouts, I’m actually just a big piece of shit with no positive contributions to the world. I am embarrassing and gross and pathetic. My parents should be ashamed because by writing about sex, I’m practically a filthy porn star, and I should go drown in a puddle of my own vaginal fluid. Many people have told me those things before, but I never truly believed them. Now that I do, I want to thank them so very much for trying to save my immoral soul because everyone knows true salvation should always be accompanied by a lot of tears, car vandalism and Internet bullying.

I’m writing this column today in an attempt to redeem myself with people like Mary Kate and Brooke and Breanna and all of the others who have called or written complaints about how awful I am. I want them to know how deeply touched I am by their concern for my damage to the much needed censorship of humanity. They were right: sex does not belong in journalism, or even in discussion at all. Sex has no place in any media because it’s just filthy space filler. Below are some lifestyle tips that skank-bag girls like me can adopt to ensure that we are no longer plaguing the world with inappropriate thoughts spewn from our cum-dumpster mouths and, instead, live a life of chastity.

MULTIPACK UNDERGARMENTS

Nothing says “Stop! Don’t touch me there!” like bras and panties with the days of the week on them. I’m not talking about those skanky ones from Victoria’s Secret either, because that store is for whores! I’m talking about the economically priced multipacks from Costco and Sam’s Club. You can pick up a jumbo bag of cat food and dandruff shampoo while you’re there and save yourself the trip to Wal-Mart, where you will surely be tempted to bone the checkout boy.

TURTLENECKS 

There is one thing that we all need to learn: Jesus hates fun-bags. The only purpose of these glorious bazoomas that are happily hanging on your chest is to feed infants. Because you and I are such nasty filthy sluts, we have no place being parents in the future, so cover up those chesticles before you distract more good guys from finding their future wives.

CHANGE YOUR HOBBIES 

If you’re the type that hops beds as much as you hop bars, you need to re-evaluate your priorities. Instead of spending time putting on makeup or working out at the gym with the ultimate goal of looking fly, find something more intellectual to take up your time like watching the entire “Law and Order” series, reading “Nancy Drew” or puzzles! Nothing gets you drier than the sound of people getting axe-murdered while you piece together that picture of One Direction.

SET YOUR LIMITS

The best lesson is the one we all learned from our hyper-religious friend in high school (the one who waited until after prom to tell us she was pregnant): It doesn’t count if it’s in the butthole. Some of you can’t take it in that orifice, though, because there is so much sunshine and rainbow in there! For those individuals, we commend you and your purity, and will continue to strive to be just like you!

SHUT YOUR MOUTH

The most important of all rules to becoming a pure person is don’t ever talk about sex. Ever. Don’t talk about how it feels or how you have orgasms. Don’t talk about how being sexually abused as a child is affecting you now. Don’t talk about your sexual fears and worries and confusions, because sex is not real and you shouldn’t be filling your head with such things. Do not talk to feminists or men and women who may not have good intentions. Do not talk to LGBTQ people. Do not talk to your siblings or parents who may mention sex. Do not talk to those psychos at Planned Parenthood. Do not talk to doctors about your vagina. Actually, just don’t talk at all. It’s a lot easier that way.

This list is the ultimate guide to steering out of the dirty rut that you’ve landed in if you’re a girl (or guy) like me. I promise to be a better person from here forward, and most of all I swear to stop stealing everyone’s boyfriends, girlfriends and teachers because I’m going to hell anyway and would like to be courteous enough to not take all of your loved ones along with me on that ride.

On second thought…

Anneliese Hucal studies public relations and pre-law. She can be reached at sself@sagebrush.unr.edu.