by Anneliese Hucal

I stand in front of a big desk and glance around the room at all of the photographs and symbolic trophies of lust laid before me, proving that his man, Dennis Hoff, knows his stuff. Moments later, he steps into the room and catches me off guard with a compliment about my long legs and pouty lips. I fight the blush as heat spreads across my face, and remind myself that I am here for a reason.

We both sit, and I begin to ask him questions about the business and the girls. They start out normal at first, but my final question, one that makes me feel foolish for even asking, burns on my lips until I finally let it out.

“Being that this is a business of commodity, how do you keep your, er, product top grade?”

I am of course referring to the strange little myth that we all keep alive with our purchasing of vaginal tightening gels, creams, and sprays, as well as our condemnation of large amounts of penetration with people and objects. I am talking about the bullshit myth of vaginas loosening with wear and losing value every time a different person penetrates them.

He chuckles and asks me how many men I have slept with. I hesitate to answer, and start to say “si…” before he cuts me off.

“Believe it or not, Kitten, your sex ed teachers have always lied to you. A woman’s vagina is not supposed to be painfully tight, and sex should never be uncomfortable if you’re ready, and most importantly, your worth has nothing to do with how small you are down there.”

I drive home that night, recounting the morning before, in which I was having vigorous and very hot sex with a guy who I had just met. Awash in the orange glow of sunrise, he ripped my clothes off as I begged and pleaded for sex, and as he grinded into me, he gasped in pleasure and shock, saying “oh, god…you’re so tight!”, as if he expected to be fucking a windsock.

I shake the memory from my head and start to think about how disturbed I am by the idea that while tightness is a commodity that people will pay hundreds and thousands of dollars for, it is something that we have created meaning for in our minds, so much meaning in fact, that we use its opposite to shame women for their sexual behaviors and thoughts. This promotes gender inequality by making women feel like they will be punished for having a lot of sex. A woman’s vagina size does not get bigger as a result of frequent sex with multiple men or frequent use of multiple sizes of toys.

The truth is, I’ve had lots of sex. I’ve had vanilla sex in childhood beds while slightly drunk with boys who I should not have, and I’ve had crazy sex with girls while their boyfriends watched us tear each other apart. I’ve done shit that is hard to find on PornHub. With all of this sex I’ve had, I’ve never once felt like a windsock or felt extreme pain while being drilled, because my vagina (like all vaginas) is a magical thing that can stretch to two times its size when it wants to and instantly tighten right back down to its original state.

So what does this mean for the rest of you? That you have been deceived into thinking that your box is the only thing that stands between yourself and happiness, and it is only good if it is clean, pristine and new. In actuality, all of our vaginas are different shapes and sizes but the one rule we must all remember is that vaginas are a hell of a lot like those spandex underwear your mom wears to look thinner at parties: You can fit a whole lot in there before it starts to get weird, and when you take them off, they’re just like before! Even moms can get their snooch back into tip-top shape after baby.

For all of you people out there reading this right now, I want to leave you with a bit of knowledge dropped on me by the bunnies that I will never forget:

The value of a woman based on vaginal tightness is a myth. If anything, the opposite is true — if you don’t use it, you lose it. Your ability to have a full-blown contracting, shaking, gasping orgasm comes with much practice and vaginal care. So this summer, don’t be afraid that sleeping with that hot DJ is going to ruin you for when mister perfect comes along! Don’t fear the size of the Rabbit Vibe! Just hop on and roll with it because if you don’t do it now, you may never get the chance to be so gloriously reckless!

Anneliese Hucal studies public relations and prelaw. She can be reached at