Photo illustration by Ryan Suppe.
The spirits of Hugh Hefner (left) and Tom Petty (right) throw a chill party in heaven. Petty shreds on his Rickenbacker guitar while playing “Learning to Fly.” Hefner said Jesus is a swell guy and he thinks they’ll be friends. “The fact that he can make wine appear out of thin air sure helps,” he said.
International
Hefner and Petty to throw the chillest party heaven has ever seen
“Playboy” publisher Hugh Hefner died on Sept. 27 and American rock icon Tom Petty died on Oct. 2. The pair have already collaborated in the afterlife, planning a “total rager.”
God was asked whether or not he would attend the event.
“Oh hell yeah,” the Almighty said. “I didn’t even know Tom had arrived. When I first saw him, I was all like ‘Hey Jesus, did you mow the lawn yet?’ But, by me, it was Thomas Petty. Love that dude.”
Hefner is in charge of inviting the chicks. Petty will be performing live music.
“I hope he plays Learning to Fly,” Yahweh said. “I freaking love that song. I’m so stoked.”
World renowned feminist and dead person Betty Friedan has taken a stance opposing the party.
“How did Hugh Hefner even get into heaven?” Friedan said. “All his life he has perpetuated the notion of women as sexual objects. Bill Cosby sexually assaulted a woman in the Playboy mansion, and Hugh Hefner creating an environment which encouraged such behavior.”
At press time, Friedan was not on the party’s guest list, according to souls familiar with the matter.
National
Mike Pence leaves strip club after seeing nudity
Vice President Mike Pence stormed out of a Rock Glen, Pennsylvania, strip club after the dancers began undressing. Pence claims he was only at the establishment, Leave it to Beavers, for the sushi bar.
Pence later tweeted “While everyone is entitled to their own careers, I don’t think it’s too much to ask exotic dancers to respect the Leave it to Beavers sushi bar” then later “I stand with @POTUS Trump and I will always stand for the Leave it to Beavers sushi bar in Rock Glen, Pennsylvania.”
Some people speculate this was a pre-emptive PR stunt to support his stripper conversion agenda. One damning piece of evidence is the photo he tweeted on the day of. The selfie he posted on Sunday of him and his wife donning Leave it to Beavers hats and T-shirts was the same exact selfie from 2014 of him and his wife donning Leave it to Beavers hats and T-shirts.
This trip cost taxpayers $25 million.
Local
More male baby boomers likely to resign amid sexual harassment allegations, says UNR sociological study
A study by the University of Nevada, Reno’s sociology department says recent trends show that more male baby boomers, mostly in executive positions, are likely to resign in the near future amid sexual harassment allegations.
Researchers relied on historical evidence, psychological makeup and common sense in their study of more than 30 million male baby boomers still alive today.
“It’s in our DNA,” said Kevin Baker, a Vietnam War veteran and former financial advisor. “You can’t blame us for growing up in an age when groping, verbal abuse and masturbation in front of unwilling women in vulnerable positions was not only widely accepted, but it was a god-given right.”
Former Fox News anchor Bill O’Reilly denied the findings of the study. When approached at a Columbus Day celebration at his home in New York, O’Reilly told his intern to hold his Long Island Iced Tea and responded, “These allegations are absolutely false, and the entire operation is a liberal conspiracy.”
After the study became public, baby boomers were reportedly wondering how to delete photographs, videos and emails from the “cloud.”
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