International

Stockholm teen to use ‘just a prank’ defense in double homicide case

Famous vlogger Liam Eriksson is currently on trial for double homicide. Sources are reporting his defense team has developed a revolutionary new defense. It is becoming known as the “just a prank” defense.

Eriksson, 17, has become a viral sensation for such videos as “PRANK IN THE HOOD GONE SEXUAL” and “DROPPING A LIVE POSSUM ON MY GREAT AUNT SHIRLEY AS SHE TAKES A SHOWER XD.” He has 23.8 million Youtube subscribers.

Last January, someone broke into the home of elderly couple Oscar and Elias Nilsson, tied them to chairs, tortured them for several hours before ultimately slitting their throats and burning down their house. Gibson was arrested on the grounds that he filmed himself doing it and posted it on YouTube.

“Similar to parody law, we are just trying to maintain the artistic discourse in the United States,” said defense lawyer Patrick File.

At press time, the trial had to be put on recess after Eriksson’s video “FARTING IN CHURCH PRANK” was submitted into evidence and the jury and judge couldn’t stop laughing.

National

Infowars fan to give ‘brain force plus’ supplement a little more time to kick in

Ohio man Ken Landers has been taking the “brain force” supplement from Infowars for years. Landers was excited to find out that a new, stronger supplement “brain force plus” was now for sale. Landers is still waiting for the nootropic to take full effect, but he’s going to give it a little more time.

The “brain force plus” is administered through the nose in a powdery substance and should be taken hourly in public restroom stalls for best results.

“I feel like Bradley Cooper in that smart pill movie,” he said. “Except this is totally legit.”

He takes “brain force plus,” which is made of rhinoceros horn, stardust, tears of the Obama daughters, the mane of a wild mustang, high-fructose corn syrup and coca plant extract, because Alex Jones is “the smartest human since Matt Damon as the janitor in that math movie.”

“If you snorted this stuff you would know why it works,” Landers said while wiping “brain force plus” from his nostrils. “Maybe your cognizant applications are just too slow and that’s probably why you’re poor too!”

Landers doesn’t yet feel any smarter, and he admits his blog posts haven’t gained any more traction, but he’s going to give the supplement a little more time to take effect. In the meantime, he feels accomplished after sorting his movie collection alphabetically by director and arranging his spoons by scooper degree angle, thanks to the nootropic supplement from Infowars.

Illustration by DonkeyHotey via Flickr
Alex Jones, conservative media pundit, has taken “brain force plus” for decades. He was first introduced to the supplement at spring break 1988. It has been making his brain huger ever since.

Local

Out on the town: local girlfriend will just wear boyfriend’s jacket if she gets cold

Jennie Coolidge was getting ready for a night out last weekend when she decided not to wear a jacket. Coolidge was reportedly aware that it had been chilly throughout the day, and it was possible that she could be walking outside for an extended period of time.

“I’ll just wear my boyfriend’s jacket if I get cold,” she said while zipping up her stylish yet sensible 4-inch-heel boots. “Why would I bring a jacket if I can just wear his? Bradley never really gets that cold anyway.”

The night was a cool 46 degrees, and there was a substantial wind chill at 15 miles per hour. After a few hours at the bar, where they spent a little too much money, the couple decided to walk home rather than pay for a Lyft.

Bradley was cozy in his Columbia brand, insulated, softshell, down jacket with heat seal construction, when he noticed Jennie had her arms crossed and was shivering.

In an act of pure, honest-to-god chivalry, Bradley pulled a fleece zip-up out of the duffel bag full of jackets that he had been carrying around all night in case of this exact situation and nobly wrapped it around Jennie’s shoulders.

Bradley had also brought jackets for each of Jennie’s six friends who were reportedly appreciative.

Ryan Suppe and Joey Thyne study astrology. They can be reached at rsuppe@sagebrush.unr.edu and on Twitter @salsuppe and @Joey_Thyne.

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