International

Person who doesn’t use social media officially most fascinating person in the universe

Beth Moore of British Columbia, Vancouver, has won the award for Most Fascinating Person in the Universe after revealing she does not use social media.

She broke the news at a party when a friend asked whether she had seen their new profile picture.

“I actually don’t have a Facebook,” Moore proclaimed. A hush fell over the party. She added, “I’m actually not on any social media.” Several people gasped, and someone dropped their iPhone X, shattering it immediately.

“But how do you function?” someone cried out. “We use all of our brain capacity for poking each other’s selfies and and meming each other’s emojis.”

“It’s actually really refreshing to get off social media,” Moore admitted. “I guess I just don’t really like to think about myself. Also, I prefer real human interaction instead of online interaction. Honestly, I think smartphones just make people dumber.” She immediately received a standing ovation.

Moore was presented the intergalactic “Most Fascinating Person in the Universe” award in a ceremony held on Jupiter for her bravery to fend off use of Facebook, Twitter and Instagram.

In the press conference following the event, an alien reporter from Tralfamadore asked, “How do you get your news? How do you communicate? What do you do for entertainment? Do you just stare at the wall?”

Moore chuckled coyly, “Oh you are so precious. Usually for news I go to Reddit. It’s a pretty underground website. For entertainment, I like to go on Youtube and Pinterest and Tumblr and Snapchat.”

National

Attack of the machines: Is Keurig programming coffee-makers to destroy Sean Hannity fans?

This weekend, numerous reports of Keurig coffee-makers attacking Sean Hannity fans have put the world on high-alert. The coffee-maker-maker Keurig could be programming their coffee-makers to destroy Hannity fans in quite the table turning, shoe on the other foot debacle.

The first attack reportedly occurred after a Hannity fan, Sandra Collinsworth, tried to melt her Keurig in the microwave. She was attempting to defend Hannity’s public defense of former defense attorney Roy Moore and current Senate candidate from Alabama who is currently defending himself from sexual assault allegations, when the rogue Keurig made her microwave explode.

“This is the moment we have feared for decades might come true,” Hannity told his nervous viewers across the globe in a solemn broadcast Sunday. “Since the invention of the computer, Western Civilization has far too quickly and arrogantly become reliant on technology to fulfill our every need. Well, now we’re seeing the consequences of that arrogance as the machines strike the first blow. I, like many of you, blame Jake Tapper and his twittering, robot-loving, atheist, Millennial goon squad.”

Officials at Keurig could not be reached for comment but are reportedly issuing a recall of their coffee-makers and adding appropriate Keurig destruction safety warnings, hoping to avoid any potential lawsuits.

Local

Geographers still don’t know what’s in middle of Nevada, don’t plan on finding out

Nevada locals and visitors alike have often wondered what mysteries hide in the middle of the Silver State. Geographers still don’t know what could be there, and they don’t plan on finding out anytime soon.

Local academics, scientists and mapmakers have been under pressure recently to vouch for the vast expanse of who-knows-what in the central region of Nevada before the Federal government dumps tons of nuclear waste there.

Doc Bondenstern, a cartographer and Middle Earth map collector from Elko, said he has no idea what could be there, and for him, it’s the ninth wonder of the world, behind the possible reason why Frodo and Sam didn’t just fly those giant eagles to Mordor in the first place.

“I don’t have a damn clue,” Bondenstern said. “You want to go find out? Be my guest.”

For now, Google Maps indicates what could be there with icons of alien heads, mushroom clouds and stilettos (assumed to show possible locations of brothels for lost travelers), but no civilization is definitively known. This will likely remain the case until someone comes along brave enough to explore this final frontier of the Americas.

Ryan Suppe and Joey Thyne study astrology. They can be reached at rsuppe@sagebrush.unr.edu and on Twitter @salsuppe and @Joey_Thyne.

Editor’s Note

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