International

North Korean leader expresses disappointment in ‘American superhuman’ Michael Phelps’ absence from Pyeongchang

North Korean leader Kim Jong-un wrote in his blog this week he was disappointed to see Michael Phelps isn’t participating in the 2018 Olympics. Kim was planning to kidnap the “superhuman” American athlete and study his “mechanical workings.”

“It is with great regret that I announce Michael Phelps did not appear in Pyeongchang,” Kim wrote in his online blog kimvibes.blogspot.com. “I had hoped to kidnap the superhuman American Michael Phelps, remove its shell and study the inner-workings of that skillfully crafted machine. But alas, my superhuman army will have to wait until another time. Bummer.”

Kim had been planning the operation for years, according to his blog, and even orchestrated complex peace talks with South Korea so his country could participate without suspicion. Cheerleaders were trained with specific chants to lure Phelps into a trap, and they wore red to trigger his artificially implanted animal instincts.

National

America’s Top SJW is the hot new game show

In the same vein as “American Idol” or “So You Think You Can Dance,” the new hit Fox series “America’s Top SJW” is travelling across the country to find the wokest social justice warriors. The show features celebrity hosts Mark Ruffalo, P!nk and Alison Brie.

The top social justice warrior will be crowned after a series of challenges including “Identify That Micro-Aggression,” “Check His Privilege,” “Scold A Carnivore,” “Tweet About Trump,” “Smoke Those American Spirits,” “Thrift Shopping with a Purpose” and others.

Last week, contestant Paul Strickland was eliminated during the quiz portion. When asked “What gender is the future?” Strickland answered “female.” The answer, of course, is “binary gender is a social construct.”

Tabatha Richter won the first round after a flawless display of “Constructive YouTube Commenting.”

All of the contestants are white and have septum piercings.

Local

Goose shit on bottom of UNR students’ shoes could fertilize millions of acres of farmland, new study finds

Goose excrement is an excellent source of fertilizer but the tons of shit currently residing on the bottoms of UNR students’ shoes is not being utilized, a new study from the Progressive Odorous Organics Party finds.

John Accretion, Chief Executive Officer at POOP, said the inaction by the UNR administration is a gross misapplication of fecal resources, referencing the goose excreta lining pathways across campus.

“Kids are stepping on this shit all day every day,” Accretion said. “And where does it go? They go home and their dogs lick the goose shit off the bottom of their shoes. We could use that as fertilizer to grow crops and feed the poor.”

POOP is an international organization dedicated to researching ways that animal droppings are being under-utilized or misappropriated. For example, in 2015 they sued a private citizen in Minnesota for running over his dog’s shit with a lawn mower instead of donating it responsibly.

Students at UNR have thrown their support behind POOP as well.

“I don’t care what they do with it, I just hope POOP can get this shit taken care of,” said Roberta Grumet, a member of UNR’s Stool Hygiene Initiative Team.

The geese near Manzanita Lake could not be reached for comment. They are very territorial.

Photo by This Incredible World via Flickr
Fake News field reporter Kenneth Lowe attempted to interview this goose near Manzanita Lake regarding the recent goose dropping controversy. The goose was having none of it. Lowe’s feathers were ruffled but he was otherwise unhurt.

Ryan Suppe and Joey Thyne study astrology. They can be reached at rsuppe@sagebrush.unr.edu and on Twitter @salsuppe and @Joey_Thyne.

Editor’s Note

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