Turning the tables: telemarketers are now hanging up on customers

A new telemarketing strategy involves ending calls early before customers can have the satisfaction of hanging up.

“The old model gave the customer all the power,” said Ivor Bransford, a telemarketer in Belgium, who has made calls for a discount vacation scamming company for over two decades. “The new way we do things seems counterintuitive, but it works better than you could imagine.”

The idea came from telemarketers who didn’t want to take abuse from customers on the other end of the phone anymore, but it ended up working in their favor. Bransford said he’s met his sale quota every month in the past quarter.

The vacation scamming company, “One Time Only Cheap Travel Deals,” reported that 95 percent of the customers they hang up on call back immediately and end up buying a vacation package out of spite.

“When they call back, we pretend to be too busy to talk, and they force us to sell them a vacation,” said Bransford. “We can’t take their credit card information fast enough.”



Companies criticized for inappropriate ‘unsubscribe’ email responses

A New York woman, Jamie Lee, has been unsubscribing from email marketing lists on a weekly basis for years. After unsubscribing, she gets a confirmation message, saying she has successfully unsubscribed. The messages have always been polite and understanding she says, but recently they’ve taken a dark turn.

“Usually, I unsubscribe from an email chain, and I get a message that says ‘Sorry to see you go’ or ‘Thanks for letting us know, we’ll take you off our list,’” said Lee, who does a lot of online shopping. “But, recently the emails have been a bit snarky and even got nasty.”

Lee said after she unsubscribed from a Charter-Spectrum list, she got a message that said “Are you sure you don’t want our emails? We know about your limited social life.”

She knew something was really wrong when a Whole Foods email said she definitely won’t lose those 20 pounds if she doesn’t get daily health food reminders.

The issue was brought to national attention when a New Yorker Magazine message asserted that thousands of unsubscribers “Probably didn’t read the magazine anyway and most likely lacked a respectable amount of education” and encouraged them to “kindly f*** off back to their People Magazine subscriptions.”

When these companies were approached by the Federal Communications Commission, they admitted to using a new form of artificial intelligence that must’ve spent too much time studying emotionally charged rejection responses on Twitter and Tinder.

We tried to reach the AI for comment, but it said our publication was “Fake News.”



UNR institutes new “mumble rap” program in the foreign language department

Students heading to the University of Nevada, Reno, in fall 2018 have the option to study a new language: mumble rap.

Mumble rap is a subgenre of trap music that is completely incomprehensible to the human ear. UNR professor Dennis Myers has been attempting to translate the language for years.

“I’m still don’t totally have the syntax down,” Myers said. “I have discovered that most of the lines end with ‘aye’ or ‘yuh.’ Sometimes I get distracted because the beats are total slappers.”

The program will study such modern philosophers as 21 Savage, Kodak Black, Playboi Carti, Lil Uzi Vert, Lil Pump and Young Thug.

UNR student Terry Nault intends to write his doctoral thesis on Lil’ Yachty’s “Teenage Emotions.”

“When he mumbled ‘She blow that dick like a cello’ on ‘Peak a Boo,’ he was really talking about America’s disillusionment since 9/11.”

Students must pay a $25 lab fee and $40 for a Xanax prescription.


Ryan Suppe and Joey Thyne study astrology. They can be reached at and on Twitter @salsuppe and @Joey_Thyne.

Editor’s Note

“Fake news” is not real news and should not be interpreted as such. Interested in real news? Check out the news section.