International
NCAA cracks down on Sister Jean for impermissible benefits
Cabo San Lucas, Mex. — The NCAA is cracking down on Loyola-Chicago men’s basketball team chaplain Jean “Sister Jean” Dolores-Schmidt after the 98-year-old nun was spotted on the shores of Cabo San Lucas engaging in sordid and lewd activities with the players over spring break.
Sister Jean, who has established herself as a self-proclaimed international celebrity during Loyola-Chicago’s improbable run to the Final Four, was seen purchasing shots of tequila and mezcal, and even arranging female escorts for the young men.
“Sister Jean is a machine, man,” junior guard Marques Townes recalled. “Most of us went to bed around one or two a.m., but Jean said she was just getting started. I came back outside to go for a jog around seven in the morning and she was still slamming shots and even getting a lap dance from a bus boy.”
The NCAA, fresh off of an investigation of Arizona’s alleged payment to freshman forward DeAndre Ayton, caught wind of the Baja excursion and threatened to pass severe sanctions on the university.
When reached for comment, Sister Jean responded, “I only answer to Jesus, bitch. Ever heard of him?”
National
Trump narrows down list of wars to trade with China
Washington D.C. – President Trump has reportedly narrowed down the list of wars he would consider trading with China amid rising tensions over a possible trade war between Trump and the Chinese President Xi Jingping.
Trump said at the top of his list is the war in Afghanistan and a close second is “any of the fighting in the shithole African countries.”
“A trade war with China will be very very easy to win,” Trump said last week from a bunker on the ninth hole at Mar-a-Lago. “The United States is involved in many wars, and China is involved in no wars. What could they even trade? I’ll think about taking the war on democracy or the war on the media from China but we basically already have those.”
“This is the easiest deal I’ve ever made, and believe me, I’ve made many, many deals,” Trump added.
Local
Campus group passes out diarrhea coupons to students eating at Panda Express in fundraising effort
Reno, Nev. – In a campaign to raise money for their upcoming “Trick Shot Showcase,” the UNR Billiards Club passed out coupons in front of the JCSU to students eating at Panda Express which guaranteed “the squirts or your money back.”
“I’ve always seen people in front of the Joe passing out coupons,” said Perry Troybridge, an English major and assistant captain of the debate team. “Usually, the solicitors just ask me if I’m eating at Panda and don’t know how to grab my attention, but these guys were direct. They said, ‘If you eat Panda Express now, you will pay for it later and we will benefit from your pain.’ I liked that they were straight-forward, and sure enough it hurt later.”
The club received 95 percent of the proceeds from the sales at the fast food restaurant. Panda Express has been donating their earnings to non profit organizations since 2014 when a judge ordered their “food” could not legally make a profit without significant liabilities of food-borne illnesses.
“I’m happy I could contribute to a good cause,” Troybridge said. “And I’ll definitely be at their trick shot event.”
“Fake News” field reporter Kenneth Lowe originally broke the story of the diarrhea coupons. Lowe was later hospitalized after taking six of the coupons from the Billiards Club.
Ryan Suppe studies astrology and Will Keys studies enigmatology. They can be reached at rsuppe@sagebrush.unr.edu and on Twitter @salsuppe and @WillKeys6.
Editor’s Note
“Fake news” is not real news and should not be interpreted as such. Interested in real news? Check out the news section. Resemblance of any names to real persons is unintentional.