So it’s a Friday night. All your buddies are out of town because they went home for Easter. No matter. It will be nice to kick back, relax, spend quality time with your cat, play Fortnite and catch up on binging Brooklyn-99. You feel a little hungry so you decide to swing by Little Caesar’s. $5 for a Hot-n-Ready pizza? What a steal! You’re practically losing money if you don’t buy one. Might as well snag a 2-liter bottle of strawberry Fanta while you’re at it. As you head home, you tell yourself that you will eat a few slices and refrigerate the rest. Little do you know you’re about to embark on an emotional journey that will shake you to your very core.
Slice #4: Denial
You’ve made it to slice number four. This was more than you planned on eating, but what the hell, you were really hungry. You’ve had a long week, you deserve it. Even though you’re not quite full, you know that soon your self-restraint will take over and you will stop eating this Little Caesar’s pepperoni pizza. Also, didn’t you read online recently that pizza is actually really good for you? Yeah, it’s fine. Everything’s fine. Anyway, there’s absolutely no way that you can finish this entire thing by yourself in one sitting. Unbeknownst to you, something dark and devious has already been woken up inside of you, and its momentum charges full steam ahead.
Slice #5: Anger
What the hell! This pizza isn’t even good. The crust tastes like cardboard. Why can’t you stop eating it? This is all Little Caesars fault. It shouldn’t be legal to sell pizza that cheap. It’s irresponsible. It preys on the less fortunate and the lower classes. This is all your professors’ fault. If they didn’t assign so much busy work, you wouldn’t have to stress eat so much. Why did all your friends abandon you for the weekend? Easter is a stupid holiday anyway. What the hell do bunnies and colored eggs have to do with the resurrection of our lord and savior Jesus Christ? Naturally, you must fill their absence with a Hot-N-Ready pizza.
Slice #6: Bargaining
You plead to the heavens: “Dear Lord, if you give me the strength to stop eating this Little Caesars Hot-N-Ready pizza, I will never eat junk food again. I will only eat kale. I will exercise more. I will only buy fresh produce from local vendors. I will become a vegan. I will change my Twitter name to ‘Yung Vegan,’ which is funny in an ironic sense, but at the same time I want everyone to know I don’t eat animals or their byproducts.” You wonder if these are all a sweaty fever dream you will wake up from. You wish you would only go back in time and get something healthy like a Poke Bowl or a meatball sub from subway. If only you had walked home instead of taking pack transit, then you wouldn’t be so gosh darn hungry.
Slice #7: Depression
You begin to feel like a fat loser. If you don’t have the self-restraint to stop eating this Little Caesars Hot-N-Ready Pizza, how will you ever you ever get the self-restraint to buckle down and take your education seriously? Sure, Mom says there’s no shame in taking Math 126 for the third time, but all the other students seem to be picking it up much quicker. What’s it all about? What’s the point in anything? What’s the reason for carrying on? Maybe you should just keep eating pizza endlessly until you’re nothing but a pile of grease. Julius Caesar was betrayed by those he trusted most: his best friends. You’re getting betrayed by that you trust most: a delicious Hot-N-Ready Pizza. Et Tu, Little Caesars? More like the Ides of Starch, amiright?
Slice #8: Acceptance:
As your arteries begin to clog and your heartbeat begins to slow, everything falls into perspective. You look down at the pizza box and all you see the crumbs and a leftover pile of ranch (you knew you weren’t going to use that much, so why did you pour that much out). Legend has it, Alexander the Great wept when he realized there were no worlds left to conquer. Part of you wishes there was more pizza to eat. Nevertheless, you are satisfied. In a strange way, you’re proud of yourself. Like if you can eat an entire Little Caesars Hot-N-Ready pizza by yourself in one sitting, there’s nothing you can’t accomplish. Now you must sit and wait for the impending stomach pains which will induce PTSD from the days at the DC.
