University of Nevada, Reno, announced plans to open five permanent construction zones for the fall 2020 semester. 

The new zones will roll-out in conjunction with “whenever the hell we finish the damn Panera Bread,” said UNR chief engineer Joe Construction. 

The purpose of the new construction is to ensure continual and ever-present loud noises and dusty lots, which have become a vital part of campus aesthetics. 

“At this point the campus would just feel kinda empty if there weren’t a bunch of cones, cranes and big rigs,” said UNR senior aesthetics advisor Joe Landscape. “These new zones are going to feel right at home at UNR.”

The five zones are planned to be placed along key walkways of campus. Limiting campus mobility was a major goal of the decision-making process. 

“One thing we always try to do when planning these construction projects is to look for ways to encourage student creativity by blocking as many major pathways as possible. A nice healthy dose of parkour goes a long way in improving campus culture, and construction is happy to help,” said leading pedestrian mobility coordinator Joe Walker. 

To acquire materials for these endless construction programs, UNR plans to systematically demolish every local Reno coffee shop, starting with the ones closest to the campus and working their way outwards. 

Vincent Rendon can be reached at vrendon@sagebrush.unr.edu or on Twitter @VinceSagebrush.